why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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