smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
In America we eat man semen.
she smelled like a LAN party
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
