Define "chronic" masturbator.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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