Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
