You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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