wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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