I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
