It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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