I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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