hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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