He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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