Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
