we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I am spending my child support on dildos
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
