literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize