I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
