How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
