When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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