**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
