Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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