i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
