I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
