Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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