yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
wow bdsm is so cute
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
