Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
