plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
