he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
