I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
