you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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