I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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