when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
