dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
