I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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