I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
