my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
