My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
