Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
