cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
