I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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