I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
