He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Found your dick twin last night
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
