Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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