not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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