I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
