but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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