she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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