Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
