I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
