Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
4 words: hood of his car
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I want her autograph on my taint
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
