I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
