quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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